Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize