I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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