if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
