this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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