I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
