Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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