Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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