someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
