She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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