I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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