What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
