Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
