Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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