WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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