Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
