Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
