and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Boobs are out for the taking
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
