I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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