You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize