i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
