Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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