She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
