My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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