Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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