you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize