I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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