erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
