So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
