At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
