i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
