I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
