Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
