He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
