Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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