i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
