i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
