i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
