Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
