dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
