I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
