Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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