Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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