My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
