I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
