Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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