I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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