That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
