its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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