I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
