shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
