I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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