You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
it's great music for shaving your balls
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
