Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize