I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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