oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My balls are so social today.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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